And there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Water

EXT. PARKING LOT - DUSK

A trailer truck sits in an empty parking lot. A police officer approaches. She walks to the driver side cab and climbs the step to peer in. She checks the handle and the door is unlocked. She speaks into her walkie.

OFFICER
Truck appears to be empty and is unlocked. Going to check the interior cab. 

The officer opens the driver side door. As she looks around she leans her hand on the driver's seat and water squishes out. The officer quickly retracts her hand. Water lightly drips from the ceiling of the truck cab. She gets out of the truck and closes the door. She walks to the back of the truck. Water leaks from the corners of the back doors. The officer opens the back doors of the truck and is confronted by a wall of water that reaches the top of the truck. It doesn't spill out. The water retains it's shape as if the doors hadn't been opened. The officer stands still in confusion. She reaches her hand to the water and touches it. She grows braver until she eventually crawls through the wall of water into the truck and is submerged. 

INT. TRUCK LAKE

The officer swims in the dark water. She turns on her flashlight. The beam of light illuminates an underwater world full of fish, plants and rocks. As she continues to swim she sees an old man in the distance. He lays motionless on the truck lake floor. She swims hard but the current picks up and she's out of breath. 

INT. BATHROOM

The officer swims up for air and emerges in a strangers bathtub, gasping, still in uniform. She tries to dive back down but it's still the bathtub. She hits her fists against the bottom of the tub but nothing changes. She gives up and gets out of the tub. Soaking wet she walks downstairs.

INT. KITCHEN

The officer walks past a family eating dinner. 

OFFICER
Evening. 

The family watches as the officer leaves the house. 

EXT. HOUSE

The officer looks around to get her bearings. She spots her car and the parking lot about a block away. She runs back that direction. 

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

The officer gets back to the parking lot and the truck is gone. The only sign it was there are a few puddles of water. 

She heads to her car and sees the old man sitting in the back, wrapped in a blanket. She runs to the door and opens it. Her car is half filled with water and it's rising. The water never spills out of the car.

OLD MAN
Hey! Get in. I want to show you something. 

OFFICER
How did you get in here? 

The Old Man looks at her with a big smile.

OLD MAN
Magic! Just fucking with you. The door was open. C'mon.

The officer nods her head and closes the car door. She sits in the back with the old man. He holds her hand. They both take a deep breath as the water rises over their heads.

BLACK OUT

PHONE SEX LINE TRAINING VIDEO

INT. 1980’S OFFICE - NIGHT

CHARONE sits in front of a desk.

CHARONE
Hi, my name’s...

Charone spins around one rotation in the chair.

CHARONE
...Charone. Welcome to the Transcorp phone sex line training video. If you are watching this you probably have expressed a desire to enter the lucrative world of 1 800 numbers. All people love sex, especially over the phone. Transcorp is here to help you run the best sex line ever in just a few simple steps.

Charone picks up the receiver of a rotary phone.

CHARONE
Oooh. Sex. Yeah.

Charone hangs up the phone.

CHARONE
I know! I make it seem easy! But it is tough work sending sex sounds through a telephone. You might think the first step is just sounding sexy but slow down! That’s way too advanced! Jeeze!

Charone calms herself down and picks up the entire phone.

CHARONE
First, make sure you have a phone and are absolutely certain it’s a real phone. If it is real it will probably be plastic. If it is not real, like a toy phone - guess what? It will still be plastic, so be careful! Phones can be tricky. Second, some phones are used for sex and some phones are not used for sex. I know! Confusing! The type of phone you use for sex is totally up to you. I don’t care stop asking! Again, just be sure it’s a real phone and not a toy phone. Once I had an hour long conversation with a client only to find out it was a Teddy Ruxpin! He was a great story teller and it was still very sexy, but it’s something to be aware of.

Charone picks up the receiver of the phone.

CHARONE
Now that you have a real phone only pick up the part that you want to speak sex into, which we call the speaky part. I have heard some people call it a receiver but, um okay?! Ha ha. Makes no sense.

Charone keeps laughing for a few seconds too long.

CHARONE
Now, if you are holding the entire phone and the call turns out to be very good and sexy then your arm will get tired. You might even be tempted to stop the call. Oh no because that means less phone sex! This is bad and pretty much the opposite goal of phone sex. More phone sex means more money. Money is awesome!

Charone starts twirling around.

CHARONE
I have great news! I’m wet! Oh, and also, we’re closer to having real phone sex!

Charone gets tangled in the phone cord.

CHARONE
Shoot! The phone cord has finally captured me. You know phone cords can be dangerous! I used to think they only existed to twirl my finger around them when I was bored but they also carry things inside of them. Kind of like a uterus but with more metal.

Charone stares off momentarily.

CHARONE
Imagine if phones didn’t have cords? That would be so crazy. Just thinking about it scares me. I don’t like this feeling!

Charone quickly untangles herself from the cord.

CHARONE
Now that we’re untangled, all we have to do is wait for the phone to ring. While we’re waiting let’s make sure no one else is using the phone line.

Charone picks up the phone.

CHARONE
Hello? All clear.

Charone hangs up the phone. She picks up the phone again.

CHARONE
Hello? Still clear.

Charone hangs up the phone. She picks up the phone again.

CHARONE
Dad? I mean, hello?

Charone hangs up the phone.

CHARONE
The line is clear! We’re finally ready to make as much phone sex as our mouths can muster.

Charone hangs up the phone.

CHARONE
I hope this training video helps you have lots of lucrative phone sex. Also I just realized Charone rhymes with phone. Awesome.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #7 - Hot Dead Friend

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #7 - My Hot Dead Friend"

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Hulk and Brooke are sitting at a table drinking coffee. Hulk is visibly upset and quietly sobs into his coffee. Brooke consoles him while eating a bagel.

BROOKE

Stop crying dad. You're never going to get another girlfriend looking so gross and weak.

HULK HOGAN

I just thought she was my soul mate Brooke. My soul has lost it's best friend slash sex partner.

Brooke stares off deep in thought while eating a huge chocolate chip muffin.

BROOKE

Wait! Actually I have a friend who recently became single.

HULK HOGAN

Really?

Brooke sips a hot chocolate with whipped cream on it.

BROOKE

Yeah, you both have the same tan level and mustache colors.

HULK HOGAN

Oh my God she sounds amazing.

Brooke is eating from a plate of french fries.

BROOKE

She is! She has her own body! And it's thick in the good spots and thin in the bad spots.

HULK HOGAN

She sounds like my dream girl. I'm dying to meet her.

BROOKE

Dying...oh yeah! She died. That's why I never introduced you guys. You know I totally forgot about that. It's too bad she was probably perfect for you.

Brooke eats Hulk's croissant.

HULK HOGAN

You forgot she died?

BROOKE

Yeah sorry. Man this croissant is awesome.

HULK HOGAN

That croissant was the only thing I had to look forward to today.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #6 - Bad Religion

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #6 - Bad Religion"

EXT. RIVER - DAWN

Hulk stands on the bank of a river. He is wearing a white wife beater, khaki spandex shorts, white high top sneakers and a white bandanna. On his right is a PRIEST and on his left is the Priest's WIFE.

HULK HOGAN

I just want to say I think The God is a really cool dude and I'm ready to wear boring neutrals for the rest of my life if that means we'll be tight bros forever.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Terry, exactly what Christian sect are you being baptized into?

HULK HOGAN

The one that gives out free pamphlets on the A train. So, The Pamphletnites I guess?

FILM MAKER (OS)

Don't you think you should learn more about this religion before making such a major life decision?

HULK HOGAN

Once I had an elective surgery to remove part of my earlobe because a talking dream dog told me to. This is the only thing I've ever done that a dream dog didn't tell me to do.

WIFE

Terry, are you ready to accept Jesus Christ into your heart?

HULK HOGAN

Sorry Misses The God, I don't mean to make you sound dumb but there's no way The Jesus will fit inside my heart. My heart's really tiny and he's a regular size. Even if he did fit in there, what if he got a boner in my heart? Would his boner poke a hole in there? I just don't want to die of a boner through my heart again.

FILM MAKER (OS)

What do you mean again?

HULK HOGAN

You know, that saying "dying of a boner though my heart" when someone breaks up with you.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Some days I can't believe how long you've been able to live.

HULK HOGAN

What can I say, The God is in love with me.

PRIEST

Shall we begin my son?

Hulk is guided into the river by the Priest and Wife.

HULK HOGAN

Whoah water is really wet.

Hulk is ignored and they keeping wading into the river.

HULK HOGAN

I don't want to be graphic, but I need to be honest in this moment and the cold water is making my man penis shrivel inside of me and I don't know if I like who I am as a person right now.

The Priest and Wife both give Hulk an annoyed look. The Wife squeezes his arm even tighter.

HULK HOGAN

Ow. Ow. Excuse me, Misses The God and Mister The God, but you're hurting me. My arms have been really sensitive ever since I let a feral snake bite me for fun.

Hulk is roughly placed onto his knees and he's about waist deep in the water.

HULK HOGAN

Okay I have to make a confession. When I was ten I was drinking water like a dog out of a puddle and I drank too much and passed out into the puddle and almost drowned and I haven't been near water since.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Are you saying you haven't showered since you were ten?

HULK HOGAN

I don't know, does getting spit on by homeless people count?

FILM MAKER (OS)

No.

HULK HOGAN

Then yes. Shower free since '63!

FILM MAKER (OS)

What do you drink instead of water?

HULK HOGAN

Burger juice.

PRIEST

Can we please move on?

The Priest guides Hulk's body backwards and submerges him in the water. Hulk immediately becomes panicked and starts gulping water and thrashing around.

WIFE

What's happening? I'm not even holding him down.

PRIEST

I'm not sure.

The Priest and Wife take their hands away from Hulk and he continues to thrash around until he suddenly stops moving. The Priest and Wife pull Hulk out of the water and he's unconscious.

WIFE

He doesn't appear to be moving anymore.

PRIEST

Oh dear God what have we done?

The Priest and Wife drag Hulk's body to the edge of the river. They look at each other for a moment and both run away at the same time.

LATER...

Hulk has dried off and tanned after laying on the river bank for several hours. A metal cross from his necklace rests on his cheek. When Hulk awakes the cross moves to reveal a cross shaped tan on his cheek. Hulk sits up, still disoriented.

HULK HOGAN

Is this heaven? It kind of looks like a non-heaven.

FILM MAKER (OS)

No this isn't heaven. You passed out while getting baptized.

HULK HOGAN

Are you The God? Your face looks like a camera.

FILM MAKER (OS)

It's not my face, it's a camera.

HULK HOGAN

I accept you and your terrifying future face The God, because we're the tightest bros now and forever and always.

FILM MAKER (OS)

Terry, I'm not The God.

HULK HOGAN

Fine The God, just say what you really mean and break up with me. This isn't the first time I'd be "dying of a boner though my heart".

Hulk takes off the cross necklace and throws it into the river.

HULK HOGAN

Ugh, religion is so gay!

Hulk runs away crying.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #5 - Nature

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #5 - Nature"

EXT. WOODS. DAY

Hulk Hogan and the Film Maker are walking on a foot path in the woods.

HULK HOGAN

It'd be cool to walk out here naked.

FILM MAKER

I guess so.

HULK HOGAN

Just, like, totally vibing with nature and stuff.

FILM MAKER

This is a public park, so it's probably not a good idea...

Hulk is naked.

HULK HOGAN

Too late!

Hulk, nude, runs ahead.

HULK HOGAN

Freedom!

Out of nowhere a BigFoot like creature appears. It tackles Hulk and then attacks the Film Maker.

LATER THAT DAY

Hulk is nude and covered in shit. CLOSE UP on his face as he wakes up. He sees the Film Maker is passed out and rushes over to him.

HULK HOGAN

Camera Guy! Wake up. Why didn't I ever ask your name? This isn't fair to me!

Hulk grabs the camera and starts filming himself "Blair Witch" style.

HULK HOGAN

I'm lost in the woods. I don't know how long I've been here, it could be weeks for all I know. I was eaten and pooped out by a BigFoot. My best friend is completely dead. I'm all alone and it's getting cold here.

Hulk places the camera on a stump. He walks away and scratches his naked butt.

EXT. WOODS. DUSK

Hulk stands over the Film Maker who is laying in a freshly dug but shallow grave. He starts to cover him with dirt.

HULK HOGAN

Goodbye, whatever your name was.

EXT. WOODS. NIGHT

Hulk sits by a fire holding a photo of the Film Maker in a heart locket. In the photo you cannot see the Film Maker's face as he is holding a camera.

HULK HOGAN

I'll miss you little buddy.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Hulk is sleeping in the fetal position in a leaf pile. He hears a rustling sound and wakes up.

HULK HOGAN

(afraid)

Hello?

More noises, they get louder and closer sounding.

HULK HOGAN

Who's there? I don't want to have to hurt you!

Hulk stands up and starts throwing air kicks and punches. The Film Maker, covered in dirt, walks up to Hulk and smacks him the face.

FILM MAKER

You buried me alive you moron.

Hulk gives a girlish scream. Then he realizes it's the Film Maker.

HULK HOGAN

You're alive!

FILM MAKER

I told you I wasn't dead.

INSERT FLASHBACK

EXT. WOODS. DUSK

Hulk is crying and dragging the Film Maker towards his grave. The Film Maker starts to wake up.

FILM MAKER

Hey, what are you doing?

HULK HOGAN

I have to bury your dead body.

FILM MAKER

I'm not dead Terry.

HULK HOGAN

I know this must be hard Camera Man, but I watched you die. I have to do the right thing and put you to rest. I wish I could have known your real name.

FILM MAKER

It's Jasper.

As Hulk drags him the Film Maker hits his head on a rock and passes out again.

HULK HOGAN

Go to sleep now Camera Man.

END FLASHBACK

EXT. WOODS. NIGHT

Hulk hugs the Film Maker.

HULK HOGAN

Jasper, that's right you told me that before. Well, glad to have you back Camera Man.

FILM MAKER

Why do you smell like shit?

HULK HOGAN

Oh, I'm covered in shit.

BLACK OUT

Beneath The Briefs - Episode #4 - Essencing

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #4 - Essencing"

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. NIGHT

A poet finishes her set and the patrons snap for her as she exits the stage. Hulk sits alone at a table for two snapping along with the crowd. He’s wearing his usual uniform with the addition of small circular glasses and a beret on top of his beanie. The show host snaps his way onto stage up to the microphone. He produces a piece of paper from his vest pocket.

HOST
Our next artist, or "career poet", is Terry. Everyone please welcome Terry.

Hulk calmly stands from his chair and makes his way onto the stage. He grabs the Host’s head with both hands and they touch foreheads for a moment. The Host pulls away and walks off stage.

HULK HOGAN
Is everyone ready to rumble... their souls?

Hulk pulls out a crumpled piece of paper from under his beret. He presses play on a cassette player and the sound of ocean waves softly emits from the speakers.

HULK HOGAN
L.I.N.D.A. You were a blonde and tan body full of sex passion. Boom! We made love on a yacht in the Pacific Ocean. Bam! My seed was inside of your womb. Birth! Tiny, baby, girl. I know you are me and I know I am you. More precious to me than a diamond encrusted Do Do Bird. Growing, growing, grown. My
baby is a woman now and now I am an old man. My face, tired. My hands, these hands, they held you until
your legs became strong, and then, then you were free. My, baby, girl. You ARE free.

Hulk stands on stage and the audience remains silent. A few start snapping and it gets louder with clapping and cheering. Hulk smiles with a tear in his eye.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE. NIGHT

Hulk is flirting with a gothic-hipster GIRL. The Girl is completely taken with Hulk.

GIRL
The way you moved your words with your mouth, it sent chills through my body. It was so honest, you know? And so sexy.

HULK HOGAN
Wow, thanks. I mean, it was coming straight from my heart and then filtered it through my brain. So that’s how I did it I guess.

GIRL
Yeah, so cool.

HULK HOGAN
Because, next to the heart, the brain is the body’s coolest organ and I trust it the most.

GIRL
Yeah, I never thought of it that way.

HULK HOGAN
To be honest I never thought of it that way either. That just came to me, like, right now.

GIRL
You’re a fucking genius.

HULK HOGAN
Cool.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE BATHROOM. NIGHT

Hulk is making out with the Girl in a bathroom stall. The Film Maker can be seen in the mirror reflection.

FILM MAKER
Maybe I should go?

HULK HOGAN
No! You need to see this if you want to capture my essence. I’m essencing right now!

FILM MAKER
I don’t think you know what essence means.

BLACK OUT