outrageous yet totally true events

These things happened, and my life is so amazing and inspiring you guys, I know.

I was living is San Diego and some sketchy fellow asked me for directions. Being a newbie to the California scene I had no clue what the hell he was talking about. "Sorry, good luck". But that wasn't the end of our conversation. He asked me if I was looking for work. "Nope, I have a job, thanks". "Oh because I run Girls Gone Wild and you have that cute tomboy look that could really work". Awesome, just what I've been waiting to hear, because that was the TRUE reason I moved to California, actually. You know, to show off my tiny boobs to the world. My response, "um, well, I have a grandma, what if she sees me"?! He gave me his card and, mortified, I crawled under a rock and prayed for a quick death.

End scene.

This is a celebrity sighting story. If you hate celebrities, skip to the next story. But you shouldn't hate, because I totally might be one some day, and there's no reason to hate me, because I'll always be your friend.

I was working at a Bickford's* in Massachusetts, hostessing and waitressing, living the life I had imagined for myself since childhood. Mostly old hens and yours truly worked here. I'm sure the customer's only came to gaze at our collective beauty. I was probably doing some sort of scut work when all of the hens started clucking, because lo and behold, Steven Tyler was in the house! So, I don't really like Aerosmith, but Liz Tyler is hot and that video with her and Alicia Silverstone grinding the pole and chilling with a model was a childhood favorite of mine. I was a disturbed youth. As he left he said "bye" and "have a nice day"! And I just know he still thinks of me since. Uh huh.

Once when I was creeping around Beverly Hills, admiring what I'd never have, AL Yankovic drove by me and gave me the stink eye behind the window of his beamer. I tried to find his house, but Bev Hills is a maze I will never understand.

Obviously, I'm a celeb magnet.

These stories are fun (for me), I think I'll post more as I think back on the tragic events of my life (you can leave now, it's OK).

*Bickford's is the equivalent of IHOP, except it's so very much worse.