BENEATH THE BRIEFS
Jenna Marie Carey
"Episode #6 - Bad Religion"
EXT. RIVER - DAWN
Hulk stands on the bank of a river. He is wearing a
white wife beater, khaki spandex shorts, white high top sneakers and a
white bandanna. On his right is a PRIEST and on his left is the
Priest's WIFE.
HULK HOGAN
I just want to say I think The God is a really cool
dude and I'm ready to wear boring neutrals for the rest of my life if
that means we'll be tight bros forever.
FILM MAKER (OS)
Terry, exactly what Christian sect are you being baptized into?
HULK HOGAN
The one that gives out free pamphlets on the A train. So, The Pamphletnites I guess?
FILM MAKER (OS)
Don't you think you should learn more about this religion before making such a major life decision?
HULK HOGAN
Once I had an elective surgery to remove part of my
earlobe because a talking dream dog told me to. This is the only thing
I've ever done that a dream dog didn't tell me to do.
WIFE
Terry, are you ready to accept Jesus Christ into your heart?
HULK HOGAN
Sorry Misses The God, I don't mean to make you sound
dumb but there's no way The Jesus will fit inside my heart. My heart's
really tiny and he's a regular size. Even if he did fit in there, what
if he got a boner in my heart? Would his boner poke a hole in there? I
just don't want to die of a boner through my heart again.
FILM MAKER (OS)
What do you mean again?
HULK HOGAN
You know, that saying "dying of a boner though my heart" when someone breaks up with you.
FILM MAKER (OS)
Some days I can't believe how long you've been able to live.
HULK HOGAN
What can I say, The God is in love with me.
PRIEST
Shall we begin my son?
Hulk is guided into the river by the Priest and Wife.
HULK HOGAN
Whoah water is really wet.
Hulk is ignored and they keeping wading into the river.
HULK HOGAN
I don't want to be graphic, but I need to be honest
in this moment and the cold water is making my man penis shrivel inside
of me and I don't know if I like who I am as a person right now.
The Priest and Wife both give Hulk an annoyed look. The Wife squeezes his arm even tighter.
HULK HOGAN
Ow. Ow. Excuse me, Misses The God and Mister The God,
but you're hurting me. My arms have been really sensitive ever since I
let a feral snake bite me for fun.
Hulk is roughly placed onto his knees and he's about waist deep in the water.
HULK HOGAN
Okay I have to make a confession. When I was ten I
was drinking water like a dog out of a puddle and I drank too much and
passed out into the puddle and almost drowned and I haven't been near
water since.
FILM MAKER (OS)
Are you saying you haven't showered since you were ten?
HULK HOGAN
I don't know, does getting spit on by homeless people count?
FILM MAKER (OS)
No.
HULK HOGAN
Then yes. Shower free since '63!
FILM MAKER (OS)
What do you drink instead of water?
HULK HOGAN
Burger juice.
PRIEST
Can we please move on?
The Priest guides Hulk's body backwards and submerges
him in the water. Hulk immediately becomes panicked and starts gulping
water and thrashing around.
WIFE
What's happening? I'm not even holding him down.
PRIEST
I'm not sure.
The Priest and Wife take their hands away from Hulk
and he continues to thrash around until he suddenly stops moving. The
Priest and Wife pull Hulk out of the water and he's unconscious.
WIFE
He doesn't appear to be moving anymore.
PRIEST
Oh dear God what have we done?
The Priest and Wife drag Hulk's body to the edge of
the river. They look at each other for a moment and both run away at
the same time.
LATER...
Hulk has dried off and tanned after laying on the
river bank for several hours. A metal cross from his necklace rests on
his cheek. When Hulk awakes the cross moves to reveal a cross shaped
tan on his cheek. Hulk sits up, still disoriented.
HULK HOGAN
Is this heaven? It kind of looks like a non-heaven.
FILM MAKER (OS)
No this isn't heaven. You passed out while getting baptized.
HULK HOGAN
Are you The God? Your face looks like a camera.
FILM MAKER (OS)
It's not my face, it's a camera.
HULK HOGAN
I accept you and your terrifying future face The God, because we're the tightest bros now and forever and always.
FILM MAKER (OS)
Terry, I'm not The God.
HULK HOGAN
Fine The God, just say what you really mean and break
up with me. This isn't the first time I'd be "dying of a boner though
my heart".
Hulk takes off the cross necklace and throws it into the river.
HULK HOGAN
Ugh, religion is so gay!
Hulk runs away crying.
BLACK OUT
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