Beneath The Briefs - Episode #3 - Being A Dad

BENEATH THE BRIEFS

Jenna Marie Carey

"Episode #3 - Being A Dad"

INT. STUDIO APARTMENT. DAY

Hulk is on his desktop computer which rests on his mattress. He pecks at the keyboard, one finger at a time. There's a knock at his door. BROOKE, Hulk's daughter, enters wearing a tight tube dress eating a hot dog.

HULK HOGAN

Hey Brooke.

BROOKE

Hey dad. I am starving.

Brooke starts eating a sandwich Hulk made for himself.

HULK HOGAN

That was my lunch.

BROOKE

Well you are getting a little round.

Hulk pokes at his stomach fat.

HULK HOGAN

I was just trying to make myself softer for hugs.

Brooke eats a fudge pop while sitting next to Hulk on his bed. Hulk is slumped over his keyboard.

HULK HOGAN

Can you help me send out this email? It's been stuck in the outbox all day.

CLOSE UP shot of a handwritten "email" taped to the computer monitor. Brooke pulls it off.

HULK HOGAN

Wizard! How did you do that?

Brooke puts the letter in an envelope.

BROOKE

I'll mail it for you when I leave.

HULK HOGAN

How?

BROOKE

There's an older metal computer near my house that I can stick paper emails into.

HULK HOGAN

I just don't understand technology. Hey maybe you can fix my phone?

Hulk pulls out a rock with an iPhone painted on it and hands it to Brooke. Brooke bites the rock iPhone.

BROOKE

Hmmm. I think it's a rock.

HULK HOGAN

No Brooke I think you mean "it rocks". I know iPhones are cool, but this doesn't "rock" at all right now.

FILM MAKER (OS)

So what's wrong with your iRock?

HULK HOGAN

I get incoming calls but I can't dial out.

FILM MAKER (OS)

How can you be getting incoming calls?! It's not a phone.

HULK HOGAN

I know! It's also a camera. Although that seems to be broken as well. Look at the photos it takes.

As Brooke eats a turkey leg Hulk shows her photos of himself in various paparazzi magazines.

HULK HOGAN

See, I don't remember taking these photos of myself. How did they get out of my phone onto glossy paper?

FILM MAKER (OS)

Where did you get the phone?

HULK HOGAN

Internet. I was in Chinatown and it was tangled in a net so I bought it.

FILM MAKER (OS)

That's not the internet. That just means it was in a net.

HULK HOGAN

That's exactly what I said.

FILM MAKER (OS)

How much did you pay?

HULK HOGAN

Forty dollars and I signed a piece of paper that waved any rights to my soul after I die.

FILM MAKER (OS)

You were scammed. You bought a rock with an iPhone painted onto it.

Hulk produces a calculator with IPAD written on it in sharpie.

HULK HOGAN

(sarcastic)

Oh, so you're saying that paying three rubies and a lock of my hair for an iPad was a scam as well?

FILM MAKER (OS)

Yes. That's a calculator. And where did you get rubies?

Hulk pecks away at the calculator. Brooke looks on curiously as she eats from a peanut butter jar.

BROOKE

What are you doing?

HULK HOGAN

I downloaded a game app where I type BOOBS, then erase it, then type in BOOBS again. I'm winning!

Brooke, mouth covered in chocolate, tries to turn on the tv with a cardboard remote.

BROOKE

Dad your tv isn't working.

HULK HOGAN

It's voice activated. Just tell it what you want to watch.

Hulk walks over to a cardboard tv hanging in front of the wall. He puts his head inside of it.

BROOKE

(to television)

TV: Please play Girls.

FILM MAKER (OS)

You can't both possibly be this dense.

Brooke, eating popcorn, is captivated by the tv. Hulk pops up in a wig and lipstick.

BROOKE

Shhhh. It's starting!

Hulk is talking to his rock iPhone.

HULK HOGAN

I can't be surrounded by your negativity while I'm trying to grow into a fully formed woman!

FILM MAKER (OS)

(to television)

TV: Turn off.

Hulk closes a mini curtain to make the "screen" turn black. Hulk walks out from behind.

BROOKE

Dad, you just missed the best episode of Girls!

FILM MAKER (OS)

You two deserve each other.

BLACK OUT